Who knew it could be so hard to download porn? No, seriously.

A friend of mine, we’ll call him The Corpse, told me not long after ‘One Night In Paris’, aka Paris Hilton’s homemade porno, was released that Paris, in all her over-preened stick figure glory, “looked like a boring shag”.  I’d managed to avoid the ‘film’ despite my role as celebrity gossip queen at the time. You don’t have to see it, to report what people are saying about it. At least that’s what I would tell my minions when I caught them trying to download it at the office (all in the name of research of course), post a good head slapping.  In an only mildly hypocritical twist of fate, I spent most of last night trawling Youtube, and just about everywhere else in Cyberspace, trying (all in the name of research of course) to see for myself if The Corpse was right, or if he was just used to classic smut… where they over act… where they fake it… loudly.

Government censors, family values groups and school teachers everywhere keep going on about all this supposed filth flooding the internet superhighway; jack-in-the-box blue movies, jumping out at impressionable children navigating their way through life. Now, I’m impressionable, and arguably rather childish, so I have to ask, where are they hiding the Paris Porn? Over several HOURS spent searching blockade, after nanny trap, after hand over your credit card info to the really dodgy website (even I’m not that dumb), acquired me sweet diddley squat. By the time I called it quits I’d managed to see a little over five minutes, all PG13+ of ‘One Night In Paris’, most of it repeatedly. Apparently haphazard eight year olds have more luck with smut than a 27 year old Journo trying to find a porno. As for Paris being a ‘boring shag’, I didn’t see that part, so I can’t argue with The Corpse-which in itself is a rather amusing concept-but I can vouch for the fact that Paris seemed to have an internal monologue that ran something like ‘Pose, hold that pose, wait for it, wait for it, change pose’. Did she realise it was a video not a photo shoot? To me, it looks somewhat like foreplay with a mannequin, but hey if you’re into that kind of thing…

More surprising than my difficulty finding the full “One Night In Paris”, is that again, I’m hating its star that little bit less than I did before this project began. Maybe the tweens and ‘so hot right now’ bimbettes worshipping at the halls of Hilton aren’t as misguided as I thought. Or maybe I’ve been working from home with the Lifestyle channel on in the background for too long. (I’m thinking of switching it to HBO.) Paris wasn’t the doormat, put up with anything so then they’ll like you, kind of girl I always took her for. She told off her then-boyfriend when he talked trash to her, requiring words of affection not lyrics by Eminem. She demanded to be touched, not just prodded like a pro. And when all was said and done, I was left feeling that Paris wasn’t so much a stuck-up blonde tart/boring shag as she was a young, extremely vein, girl who trusted the wrong guy and had that misjudgment sold globally. To our male star’s (badly dressed) credit-roll declaration of “Am I the luckiest guy in the world or what?” I can only say, “Think less ‘lucky’ and more ‘ukky’”. The movie apparently didn’t sell that well. Go figure. Likely, they marketed it all wrong. ‘One Night In Paris: a cautionary tale’ would have done much better than ‘One Night in Paris’ red light (district) special; required viewing rather than censorship shut down. The moral of the story? Girls, beware of men with video cameras that own ugly hats… fashion doesn’t lie.